More triffic insight from the tight-trousered dandy, Jeff’s first conundrum and the rest…


Dismantling the dictionary piece by piece:

“That’s the thing with Arsenal. They’re either brilliant or completely inconsistent.”

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WHAT DO YOU THINK RUUD?

Gullit makes the case for Ronaldo:

 “What if he caught the ball? Would that be a handball?”

 

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JEFF’S FIRST CONUNDRUM

Joe Kinnear’s resourcefulness has confounded even Jeff Stelling:

 “So far, ten points from eight games. If he’d been there all season, they’d have seventeen and a half.”

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HEAD TO TOE

Setanta’s Stuart Linnell might never have turned to football reporting if his medical career hadn’t been scuppered by a real struggle with Anatomy 101:

 “Villa had eleven shots off target, most of them headers.”

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MEAN STREETS

Planning a weekend away in Glasgow? Think again. Last week, Frank McClintock recalled a torrid childhood in nurseries alive with swearing and violence. This week, Alex Ferguson’s impassioned defence of Ronaldo’s antics paints a disturbing picture of everyday life in Govan:

“I wonder how many people take it when you are walking down the street and so many people hit you over the head with a baton. How many times can you take it?”

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NAME DROPPING

Another week of informed European analysis from the lads in Montrose. Gilesy remained singularly unimpressed with Dick Kuyt and Javier Marchisio. While Eamo couldn’t see Drogba moving to Inter while Zlatan Ivanisevic continued to get most of his first serves in.

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OUT ON A LIMB

With fully eight minutes left at the Stadium of Light and Bolton 4-1 to the good, nothing would deter Mark Bright from putting his neck on the line:

“This game’s over, for me.”

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JUST A HUNCH

His side is one down in the 89th minute. Champions League exit beckons. Suddenly, with a dead ball in a good position, Olexandr Aliyev’s sees red. Cue Ger Canning summoning all his powers of deduction:

“He’s got another yellow for delaying the free kick, I think.”

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BELOW THE BELT

Pat Dolan’s least surprising admission of the season:”I’ve got nothing except a gut feeling.”

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DRIVEN TO DRINK

Middlesbrough’s Andrew Taylor clashed with his own fans last week when he was substituted near the end of the home defeat to Bolton. On Soccer Saturday, Phil Thompson was full of sympathy – convinced the youngster would be getting plenty of stick on Wearside this week.   But could he have just made things worse for the lad?

“The boy is probably out of a drink with his mates and everything and he’s getting hammered.”

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THAT’S FOOTBALL

Kenny Cunningham earns his corn after Kiev’s Ismael Bangoura hits the woodwork against Arsenal:

“If that’s inside the post, it’s a goal.”

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JIMMY SINGS THE BLUES

If Gordon Strachan is going to get to the bottom of Celtic’s Euro problems, Jimmy Magee believes he could start by sacking the club’s travel secretary:

“Trains, boats and planes, it makes no difference to Celtic on their travels in Europe, they cannot win.”

Still, it was music to Jimmy’s ears:

“Celtic’s travelling blues, like the Mississippi Delta.”

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CHEER UP, GRANDAD

Ray Houghton’s “Mr Cheerful” crown looks in real danger since Setanta welcomed Lou Macari on board. This week Anton Ferdinand was the young upstart to draw Lou’s ire:

“He’s sitting there with a big earring. He’s going out there to represent Sunderland Football Club. Why does he need an earring?”

Spotter’s Badge David Joyce