This weekend, The Might Reds take on a bunch of Southern Softies, oops, sorry, I mean Liverpool play Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. Obviously I can’t predict the outcome of the match, but I can reveal details of the commentary. (That’s not hard to do, commentators only seem to know five adjectives, but they make up for that by using them often.)

– John Terry will be described as brave. It’s true, he is very brave. Although he doesn’t make a fuss about it, he devotes his spare time to rescuing kittens and fighting crime. Really, he’s like Batman, but shorter and not as camp.

– Steven Gerrard will be described as magnificent, that’s also true. He is more magnificent than the Magnificent Seven combined. As he strides the streets of Merseyside women swoon, and the sick throw themselves at his feet in an attempt to touch the hem of his tracksuit bottoms.

– Dear, coconut-headed Alan Green will describe Liverpool’s performance as appalling. It won’t matter if they win 15-0 while down to eight men. Similarly, Alan Hansen will be unimpressed. Of course, back in his day Liverpool wouldn’t have needed eight players! He could have done the job on his own and won 22-0. He really was that good.

So, there are my commentary predictions for Sunday, if you don’t hear at least three of those you might like to check you aren’t inadvertently watching the musical on BBC2. It’s easy to tell the difference, the musical will have cheesy songs and hammy acting. Hmm, see your point.

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