DO ME A FAVOUR, LOVE

With Richard Keys and Andy Gray busy disgracing themselves over Sian Massey, Chris Kamara was being ultra-cautious:

“Well done to the lady lineswoman.”

COOKING THE BOOKS

Wondering how Man United manage to be coasting along at the top of the Premier League despite rarely playing well? John Giles has a clue:

“They’ve only dropped one point at home.”

NO TITLE TURNIP

In light of Gilesy’s audit, Graham Taylor was eventually pinned down for his title predictions:

“I don’t want to appear that I have any favourites, but Man United are the favourites.”

WHERE WILL IT END?

As the Modern Merse lexicon continues to evolve apace, in recent weeks the woodwork has lurched from “the beans on toast” to “Casper the friendly post”. This week, however, there was the unmistakable scraping of a barrel bottom:

“He’s hit the inside of the Norfolk coast.”

DRUGS DON’T WORK

Jimmy Magee might have put a finger on the lack of goals at the DW Stadium:

“Wigan are depending for scores on their Columbian front man.”

But soon it was Jimmy himself attracting the attention of the testers as he rummaged in the leotard of Arsenal’s in-form Frenchman:

“Nasri, with the body of the dancer.”

SIX OF ONE

Ray Parlour is undecided on Avram Grant:

“Is it 50 per cent want him to leave and 50 want to keep him or is it the other way?”

HOME COMFORTS

Ger Canning seems to be under the impression that Liverpool provide live-in accommodation?

“The happy fans have come from Anfield to cheer on King Kenny’s men.”

In fact, by the final whistle at Molineux, it was evident to Ger they don’t even provide transport:

“They’ll never walk alone. There will be plenty of them to walk all the way back to Anfield.”

EXTINGUISHED CAREER

Lest poor old Bob get too despondent with his lack of suitors, Mike Parry had the good grace to point out his safety record:

“Has Robbie Keane set on fire at any team that he’s played for?”

GROUNDED

Good news for Wolves fans from Charlie Nicholas, who attended new signing Adam Hammill’s medical:

“He looks fairly well balanced in terms of two feet.”

BIT OF A PESSIMIST

Terry Butcher says batten down the hatches. If you think an epic battle that brings about the end of time is bad, wait and see what happens if we get a ten-team SPL:

“People call it Armageddon but I think it’s worse than that.”

NIP AND TUCK

Marooned on the moon with a burst appendix? BBC’s Paddy O’Connell rules out one saviour:

“Beckham is no rocket surgeon.”

JOCKEY SHORTS

According to At The Races, a BBC Sports Personality of the Year award gains you all kinds of unwanted attention:

“Tony McCoy looks between his legs and sees Richard Johnson hard  at work.”

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