LONGEST IN THE SHOWER

Charlie Nicholas has been snooping around the Upton Park dressing rooms:

Carlton Cole gives you length.

SHOP KEEPER

A Chelsea fan phoned You’re On Sky Sports on Saturday to vent fury with the transfer window system, clearly worried Toyota can’t solve their recall crisis with a move for Iker Casillas:

“No other business in the world would have their hands tied behind their back and not be able to trade stock, especially in the goalkeeping position.”

RUBBING IT IN

Nice work from Jim Rosenthal on last week’s FA Cup draw, concluding a chat with Jason Cundy about his brush with testicular cancer by smoothly interjecting:

Did you make sure all the balls are out of the bag?

SELLOUT

There’s no point worrying about global warming any more now Iain Dowie’s found out what the Nottingham Forest winger has gone and done:

George Boyd gives the world away very, very cheaply.

SECOND LIFE

And it seems an angry caller to 96FM might have identified the buyer:

“If this happened in any other civilised world there would be outrage.”

CREATING SPACE

At Hull on Saturday, headmaster Joe Royle was convinced “good defenders can handle physics” but in Chelsea defender Alex, Ray Houghton found one who convincingly defies it:

“In the space of two yards, he’s got three yards on him.”

SLIPPING AWAY

It’s a very different brand of physics, but Paul Merson’s description of a relegation fight was every bit as impressive:

“They’re on the slippery mountain with slippers on.”

ABSOLUTION

Ross Turnbull will be delighted to learn that Matt Holland felt repelling Scott Parker’s first half goal wasn’t within his remit:

The first save he had to make was in the 94th minute.

ONLY GOT TWO SONGS

After mistaking Denilson for Eduardo and, somehow, Clichy for Arshavin all night, it was Diaby that finally painted Trevor Welch into a corner:

Beautiful feet hasn’t he Song... passes to… Song.”

MENS’ ANONYMOUS

Hull‘s squabbles in front of the Women’s Institute caused some consternation on Soccer Saturday:

Paul Merson: “What is that anyway?
Jeff Stelling: “The only meetings that Merse hasn’t been to.

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Matt Holland on Tottenham:

They’re in pole position, they’re fourth.

SIGN OF THE TIMES 2

What have we come to when old-school Scouser Ray Stubbs greets a pair of gleaming white footwear with the words:

Sensible boots on today for Nicholas Bendtner.”

YOU SAID IT

Andy Townsend brings to punditry what Johnny Ronan offers to discretion:

I wouldn’t have given Lyon any hope to go Real and get any kind of result, but only a fool would take anyone lightly.”

TOUCHé

Eamo embarks on a Beckham rant: You don’t have to be able to sing to be a star.”

Billo: You of all people should know that.”

QUICK ONE-TWOS

Andrey Arshavindoes the work of ten editorial meetings:

Give it a few more weeks and they will put a camera in a footballer’s pants in order to get a story.”

Alan Brazil dishes the dirt:

“It leaves a sewer taste in the mouth.”

Phil Thompson’s nose is getting longer:

Lionel Messi has had a bad season.”

Dwight Yorke ogles two unlikely pin-ups:

Paul Scholes and Gary Neville are the centrefolds of Man United.”

Glenn Hoddle writes Ray Hodgson’s teamtalk:

Spurs are in the semi final of the FA Cup.”

Pat Dolan sphinx long and hard about Capello’s tactics:

England wanted to play the Pyramid system against Egypt.”

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