Football quotes, humour and opinions

Posted by chef on August 5th, 2006 in Interviews

Right, time to clear this up once and for all: Buddy Holly – a volley or a dive. A school of thought suggests it’s “go down like Buddy Holly”

A volley, no doubt. Rhyming slang… Someone else pointed that out, but I didn’t give that a thought. No, ask anyone in the game, it’s always a volley.

Who would you have in your side - a flier or a jinker?

A flying jinker… ha ha ha.

Talk us through Bagatelle Football…

You know when everything’s flying around and the ball’s flying around in a crowd scene. Or”like a crowd scene from Ben Hur,” we used to say.

You’ve described Michael Ballack as being a bit milky…

Tell you what, I saw him play against Arsenal once and he was f…ing hopeless. He was a bit like “dipping your foot in the hot water” we used to say. But hey, he’s a top player.

You didn’t actually watch the Wide Awake Club with Timmy Mallett?

Heh, no way. But yeah, we used to say “We want 11 coiled springs in the Wide Awake Club.”

Can you shed any light on the mysterious “Mugger’s Snatch”? Scholars suggest it’s the little stepover link-up think Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole did..

No. (firmly). No, that’s an over. Or a little over. No (shakes head as if despairing of Ronglish frauds) mugger’s snatch? No, I’ve never said that.

Alright… so which do you prefer – co-commentary or punditry?

I like both. They’re different experiences. But co-commentary is harder. It’s as its happening. In the studio you get people feeding you stuff and it’s a bit easier.

Any co-commentator fit to fill your shoes with Clive?

I think Andy is doing quite well. But I thought he was good on screen as well.

In his Tactics Truck? Where’s that parked now?

Tell you what. We gave him some stick about that, heh, heh, heh. I used ring him up, “Hey Andy, is that you I’ve just gone past on the motorway?” Ha ha.

That was when the Premiership started on ITV, they just tried to cram everything in you know, instead of going, “Hey, what about the football?”

Can you give us your Commentary Dream Team - an anchor, two pundits, a commentator and a co-commentator:

Without a shadow of a doubt, the best anchor of all time as Des Lynam. You knew how good he was when he wasn’t there. Jim Rosenthal is very good but Des would be top man.

Two pundits in the studio, I’d go for Andy (Townsend, we manage not to protest). I think Andy’s very consise. Who else? I think I’ll go for….. [Enormous pause. He’s seriously considering this] I’ll tell you who’s very analytical - Mark Lawrenson. And people go “not Lawrenson” but at the BBC, I think he’s probably the most informative.

So Andy and Lawro….

No hang on. I’m not going with Lawro. I think Hansen is pictorially good but he fuckin’ says the same thing over and over. He’s a boring bastard. He just says words doesn’t he?

Yeah. Pace. Power. Control. Pass. Move. Diabolical.

Yeah yeah, ha ha. The think is I learned more about football in the first six months in management than I did in all my playing career. And Hansen hasn’t managed so…. Hang on, am I in this or not?

No, fraid you can’t pick yourself? Them’s the rules.

Alright, ok, I was just seeing if I had a free co-commentator slot. Alright then, hang on… [thinks again at some length] look I’ll come back to it. Let’s pick the commentator. Is it of all time or just now?

All time…

I suppose the doyen of them all would be Brian Moore. He had a marvelous manner. He didn’t want to be too opinionated, even too analytical. Ah Mooro was brilliant. We had some fun with him. He was a first class toff. The night before a match somewhere, I’d say “Mooro, get yourself geared up. I’ve found this club in Marseilles… ” And he’d be “No no, Ron Ron Ron. [fantastic Moore impression] we’ll go to this nice little restaurant, have a nice bottle of wine and some fish.” Great character.

Clive Tyldesley is very good. He’s got great words and he’s got great observation. He sees things properly and very seldom gets names wrong.

Actually, one of the most helpful people when I first started doing it was Martin Tyler.

He seems to have been axed a bit at Sky. Chris Kamara hinted that it might be something to do with Andy Gray…

I understand, they’ve never been mad-keen on one another for some reason. But actually, I’ll have Andy Gray as the co-commentator – alongside Mooro.

Now, second pundit, let’s see. For a perfectly balanced programme, I suppose you’ll have Hansen in there…

You’re not convinced about that are you?

I just don’t think he gives me enough information. He’s not the only one I suppose. Terry bluffs em a bit, to be fair. The number of times he doesn’t know the players. Oh go on, put Hansen. I’ll go Hansen [sighs].

Thanks for that, Ron.

So, hang on, you started all that Ronglish lark did you? People are always saying to me, you seen that Ronglish thing. Of course I can’t work the Internet anyway…

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