Football quotes, humour and opinions

Posted by chef on August 5th, 2006 in Interviews

…but the thing is at the moment I’m persona non-grata on television aren’t I…

Do you think that’s a bit harsh?

The thing is I didn’t technically say what they told me I’d said. What I allegedly said about Desailly I didn’t say – in the terms they told me I’d said it. What I actually said was “he’s the sort some people say is… ”

Fair enough, it was still a little ill-advised to say it though…

Alright, but the thing is, if I’m talking to you now, I don’t expect what I’m saying to be picked up on a mic over there. Because we had the world feed, the mic was open.

The thing is, I wasn’t even having a conversation. I was just watching the highlights footage and I was angry. And it’s no money out of my pocket Chelsea going out, I was just going to head out for a drink in Monaco with Andy Townsend. But the problem is, as Andy always says “Ron, when you watch a game, you believe it’s your team and you get passionate about it”.

And, tell you what, the one I really slaughtered was Veron. And then Ranieri came on – and I’d supported him for fun that season – but I was going “Well what have you done tonight?” And the thing is they should have put Gronkjaer on after that, because, by heck, I would have really slaughtered him. He couldn’t cross a postal order that night.

And then Desailly… I’ve had a theory about Desailly for a few seasons, is that he kidded Chelsea the last two years of his career. Kidded them. Even on that day you know, if you ever analyze his performance, he was cheating.

How do you mean?

Tell you what he was doing, he was trying to play offside on the wrong side of the ball. In other words, if the play is coming over there… [gets up to play John Terry before deciding to recreate the formation using his Vodka and Coke as Desailly instead] They’ve got Terry in the gulley there, and Babayaro – was it Babayaro at left back – might have been Bridge. So the ball’s coming thirty yards down there and Desailly’s stepping up there. He can’t do it. He can’t leave him (Terry) alone there. He’s the insurance man. If Terry decides to go, he can go, but he can’t go the opposite side to the ball because he’s leaving him one on one.

And I’m going ‘what’s he doing that for?” And then, he started chasing the ball into areas and I thought “His head’s gone, he doesn’t know where he is.” And that’s why, you know…. [trails off sadly]

Do you think there’s any way back for you now?

The thing is, wherever I go, people are asking me when am I going to be back on the telly? Big businessmen, ordinary kids whatever. People come up to me going “Hey, big man, when are you coming back.” And tell you what, there’s a lot of black kids in Birmingham.

The reaction within the game’s been great. Some of the papers tried to put Carlton Palmer into the “anti” camp but he wasn’t having it. He’s been a great mate for years. But some people, you know… that twat, Ian Wright … by the way, is he useless on television or what? And what really upset me was that bloke Darcus Howe. What about all that?

It didn’t help you that show (BBC documentary What Ron Said) did it?

No I don’t think so. The guy who was helping me out said “All I know Ron, I don’t think it’s done you any harm.” But all my mates said “Ron, you shouldn’t have done it.” But I don’t know.

I was so pissed off in America because they didn’t really know what they were doing. The thing is, Martin Bashir rang me within ten minutes of it all happening and wanted to do something. But then he signed a new contract with ABC that wouldn’t allow him to do other stuff. But he was one of the main reasons for going to America.

The team were struggling to find things to do. They kept asking me every ten minutes how I was feeling. And I was like “I told you half and hour ago how I was feeling.”

What was your favourite television gig?

Tell you what, the best thing I did on TV actually was a series of interviews for Central – I promise you, it was a great show – not me but they had me interviewing all the managers. I did Martin O’Neill, Bobby Robson, Venables, Keegan, Jim Smith, Trevor Francis, Graham Taylor. But I did Cloughie and that program was sensational – of course they had to cut half of it out. I’m giving it “Brian, you were strong with the players, what would you do with today’s modern players – you know, the one at Man U, the Beckham lad?

He goes,[Cracking Cloughie impression] “The first thing I’d fucking say to him is ‘why do you need four cars, because you can only drive one? [Carries on as Cloughie] ‘But, I have to be honest Ron, I do feel sorry for the lad because if that Missus starts singing to him, she’ll keep him awake all fucking night.”

And then I go to Nottingham to meet him and do all the stuff with the statue of the Sherriff of Nottingham and what have you, and he goes “Hey Big ‘ead, you’ve got a fuckin’ hour.” Four hours later, by the way and we ran out of tape. And the crew were clapping. It was fantastic.

They put it up for one of those awards… not the Bafftas, but one of them… good night, lots of folks there. So they go, whatever the category was, third place… John Singleton or something or Palin or one of those fellas, Around the World in Eighty Days or what have you. And in second place, Ron Atkinson. And I’m going, ‘well that’s alright’. And then it’s “First place… Dale Winton with Supermarket Sweep.” Ha ha ha [Sounds horrified]. And I’m like “I’m going to get slaughtered now. The boys will be going ‘Came second to Dale, did we?’”

When was the last time you kicked a football?

Five-a-side? About five years ago. In Barbados.

When I was at Man U, I had my own five-a-side team. Even after I was sacked, we used the hall at Old Trafford. In the end, Bobby Charlton put the block on it. So then we moved to Oldham – played on the plastic pitch.

Four times a year, maybe 5, we’d load up the Man U bus, fill it up with booze, get all the best gear and go and play somebody. If we’re going through the midlands, we’d normally pick up a group which would be John (Giles), Brendan Batson, Tony Brown, maybe another one or two. Big Joe Royle would play centre half.

What I do is get 11 proper players and then 1 or 2 of my mates who’d come on if anyone was injured. One day, we got Bestie down and nobody thought he would show. The rest were like “Bestie, yeah, he’ll turn up alright, you’re having a laugh.”

Sure enough, he walked in five minutes to kick-off. Only problem, he was crap.

Chris Kamara is full of praise for you. You get on well with him?

Yeah, Chris is a good lad. We’ve both got places on Tenerife and a mate of mine’s got the best restaurant on the island – fabulous atmosphere. And every time I go in, he’ll say “Kamara was in.” and I always miss him.

He told us he plays gigs around Tenerife?

Yeah, we did a charity record, didn’t we?

Speaking of… any more singles in the pipeline? Let’s give love another try?

Yeah, yeah, yeah…. It was Kamara, wasn’t it. Got us to do a charity record and the bloke that was producing it says ‘What about doing a Christmas song?’ One of the songs we did, we’d written it ourselves so then we write a Christmas song.

You co-wrote that yourself then?

Yes, me and my mate wrote it…. Tell you what, I like musicians, I think musicians are brilliant. I can’t play an instrument to save my life. I’d like to play the piano. I wouldn’t want to work at it but I’d like to pick it up and play it. I think they’re brilliant.

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