1. Can you keep it down a small bit lads, Shearer is talking?

2. Did you hear who Eamon went for in this one – I want to get down the bookies?

3. Isn’t it a terrible pity Gilesy wouldn’t take us through the problem with zonal marking one more time? And slowly this time.

4. Where in the name of God would I get my hands on a Lawro jokebook?

5. You’d miss Kenny Cunningham all the same wouldn’t you?

6. Would the standard of football be any better if more little guys played football on the streets? Someone should ask Gilesy.

7. Could that marginal offside decision be indicative of the roguery that is killing a chaotic sport? Eamon will know.

8. What does Dunphy make of your man Ramos?

9. Isn’t it amazing one of the big clubs hasn’t offered Mark Bright a managerial role?

10. Oh look, Adrian Chiles is chuckling away. It must have been a good one, was it?

11. What does Gilesy make of 4-2-3-1? Did he say he would prefer to play with a false nine?

12. Why does James Corden only get a half hour?

13. Would Gabby Logan ever consider Paxman’s job?

14. What does Dunphy make of your man Pique?

15. Where can I get some of what Ray Houghton’s on?

16. Is it true Bill McLaren saw a lot of himself in Adrian Eames and left him all his microphones in the will?

17. Will we stick with ITV for the analysis?

18. Is Gilesy on Twitter?

19. Mark Bright said he’s seen Messi play live three times and never seen him play well. Could he be overawed in Brighty’s presence?

20. Why doesn’t George Hamilton tell us the referee’s occupation?

21. Isn’t it a shame someone in ITV didn’t think to dwell on the moral injustice of the Luis Suarez handball?

22. Was there ever a movie made out of Trevor Steven’s career in the commentary box?

23. Why don’t ITV just tell us a bit more about what’s happening in the England camp?

24. There’s surely no way Talksport can keep up this standard of discerning World Cup debate all day every day is there?

25. Could we afford to get Motty over for that after-dinner gig we’re organising?

26. Why won’t Ray Houghton stop focussing on the positives and tell us how the defending might have been better for the goal?

27. How can I be sure George Hook will get his fair share if I sign up now for this Sky subscription?

28. Who do you think Desailly is supporting?

29. Tell me Alan Hansen, do you ever tire of poring over dossiers and footage of continental footballers?

30. Did Kevin Keegan go for England?

31. It’s all very well FIFA selecting a shortlist for player of the tournament but surely the final decision should be left to Garth Crooks?

32. Should he have done better with that chance, Razor?

33. Why wouldn’t Robbie Earle be entitled to that many tickets? You can’t put a price on know-how.

34. Isn’t it a pity the media didn’t explore further our own attitudes to France and their lack of progress in this tournament?

35. Where’s this final referee from?

36. Did that Forlan fella turn out for some English club? How did he get on?

37. Did Liam Brady win money or something?

38. Is it Ronnie Whelan’s voice on that Sunscreen song?

39. How can I make sure this Good Value Signing award safely reaches Adrian Chiles?

40. Do you think Ryle Nugent took on the Head of Sport job because of the wealth of commentary talent waiting to take over from George Hamilton?

41. Is the Walker Brothers’ bus the best football vehicle since Andy Townsend’s Tactics Truck?

42. Isn’t it hard to imagine a World Cup without Matt Holland?

43. How could you mistake Guy Mowbray for Steve Wilson? Are you deaf?

44. Hello, Mr Giles. This is the editor of World Soccer. When will you be filing that piece on the evolution of South American football, with particular reference to the lack of Playstations?

45. Could Craig Doyle be the man to take over from Billo?

46. What do you think other teams thought when they lined up beside Graeme Souness and the other Liverpool lads in the tunnel? Suppose we’ll never know.

47. How could you mistake Steve Wilson for Simon Brotherton? Are you deaf?

48. Italy beat that side 3-2, you say Eamon? Socrates played? Rossi scored a hat-trick? How did you find out about all of this? Secret documents?

49. Why should it only be paying readers of The Sun who learn of Tony Cascarino’s incisive views? Is there anything Eamon Ryan could do?

50. Does Peter Drury know the World Cup is on in Africa?

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